Mental fatigue

going through ortho, i bel;ieve gonna be one of toughest job yet.
i do not like ortho to begin with,
and the sprained and having to tag til ten pm yet feeling not knowing a thing makes feeling even worse.
I feel inadequate. Seriously , my ortho knowledge is deep shallow. I am too tired to read up. I have no interest to to brush up. I have to be competent, and im in serious doubt of myself.
i felt so helpless.
i don't know what to do with myself.
i seriously don't know
i couldn't breath.
I felt like being screwed up tight in a jar.Tight. No leakage. Helpless.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


so, i'm in my Pediatric posting right now. As I am as notoriously "jonah" as i was claimed to be , things have always been on the get go. This means lots of things to handle and to learn, automatically the lazy me would always feel tired.

Fatigue always has the ability to bring one down, to make one disinterested, make one feel loaded with burden.

A pediatrician once said, you will know when you see a child is well.
I have to agree with her on that; and these kids are the ones that lighten up the stress that is constantly building on the shoulders which has progressively losing its muscle mass for the amounts of lunches/dinners that were missed due to work.

I've seen babies that were born as tiny as a little puppy with the weight of grams;
Kiddos that came in on stretchers who would well up in tears in the sight of the faces other than his mother's;
Little ones that would fill up the ward with cries upon the slightest touch of our fingers to feel the coldness of their little fingers.

watching them putting on weight is much a joy though it was never the same as for us who are always trying to lose that inch of fat.
Instead of the welling tears in their eyes and the pitiful cries, by the end of the day, these were substituted with roars of laughter and chuckles.and these, are what warms our trembling stomachs which was desperately in need of a dose of omeprazole.

The past one week in paeds was pretty interesting. I skipped a few lunches but i get to see a little boy with down syndrome who would hand out his tiny palms for my hand, and kissed it before pulling back his hands to lie it on his chest.

Another day, a little boy, who was crying refusing neb Salbutamol. I approached him, he opened his arms for a hug. I carried him throughout the neb and he fell asleep on shoulder. when i put him back on the bed to get his nap, he was actively jumping in joy!

The third kiddo would always cry on the first sight of me when i review him. two days after, he would cry when i reach him with the stethoscope. Today, this little boy came to me with no fear, shook my hand and waved good bye to me with a smile on his face.

kids are just marvelous. We were once kids, weren't we?
Why are we no longer that way?

Thursday, September 23, 2010


couldn't really recall when was the last time that i sat down and start hitting the key board penning out my boring stories.
Been bored by the constant work and the endless responsibilities to behold just made the shoulder seems heavier.

Things has been going on a downside, for my health at least.
was down with flu the other day(probably caught some germs from the lil kids?)
still haven't exercised much since my last swim in O&G posting..
haiz.. gotta move my lazy ass off the couch/bed.

all i've been doing:
- attempt to read the NRP book , of which to total failure...
- watching so you think can dance while munching away
- sleeping
- eating non stop til the lights switched off
- being sad because my fridge has broken down and i have no cool drinks
- going on call
- setting myself into precall mood and postcall mood
- skipping lunch/ dinner during oncalls and binge ate afterwards.

so, totally unhealthy who is always in the position to advise people to live healthily.
so wrong.

can someone/ something please trigger me to exercise please?!
Can someone please donate me some money so that I can buy a new fridge and phone? One was dead and the other dying.
freakin live i'm livin...

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Has my life recently revolved any other than work? Nope.Thus, from there i came into conclusion of my bad behaviors : ignorant and rude.

I may have been a bull all these while, minding own business; but seriously, I've been worse and wouldn't care a damn thing bout what's going on around me, lately.
Working every day trying to keep my ass clean or avoiding my fingers being punished to write an incident report of mistakes or avoiding the sound waves saying that I'm a useless smug reaching my ears has me made one damn person.

From the words that i used above, it is clear enough to depict how much rude i have became. Wait til you have a conversation with me, I'll begin with all those vulgar words.
Ask my mum and Dad, I'm now at home. I've raised my voice to them more than once today.
They made me do something.
They nag me.
They wanted me to do something which i do not like to.
They gave me duties.

Seriously, those WERE reasons, but not the REAL ones.

The truth is , I can complain, I can raise my voice to them, i can voice my opinion; Innocently, they became my victim. The anger and hatred inside has been blasted on them ; because I could not do so in my work when the above listed stuff are charged upon me at work. I will just have to shut the f**k up and DO.Sorry , mum and dad.

DAMN IT. I don't wanna be an asshole.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Hoped it was just another day...sigh

It was last year that i wrote about my birthday when i was "going through" it during the final exam preparations; here I am "celebrating" my birthday in the year 2010 feeling more stressed up; I started to believe there's no happiness in "happy" birthday.

Why did i sounded that birthday was some kind of torture? Well, it actually did; cos when you hoped for at least once a day in your life for a peaceful and stress free one, it was turned out to be totally the opposite. Going oncall in the labour room this year on the March the third with zero delivery nor Caesarean sections to assist(to fulfil my quota) made the night longer and my eyes to sunk deeper.

Honestly, I felt i dreaded trough the whole til i finally manage to steal some time in to read up some birthday text messages. Big chunk of the wound was actually healed by some phone calls from some beloved friends , ying yin, james, sock cai etc. I left a sigh.

to my surprise, my dear lil buddy fan foon who just happen to be in this teluk intan place for his project ;stopped by and gave me a pillow as a present from him and siu jun, which made my total 30 minutes of sleep for 2 days much sweeter. Great thanks to them , seriously.

anyhow, i wish would not have to go through my birthdays feeling so stressed up again anymore in future; but it looked grim. I am not asking for any big celebrations or whatsoever. Just hoping for one uneventful day , when i can rest my mind a little. A sigh

so, whatever...
I think I might have started to hate birthdays.

Thursday, March 4, 2010


if you haven't knew, just refer the article below:

Though it may not concern most of you guys, but to me the fact that this country is thinking of such solutions to solve the shortage of medical staff made me feel that I've wasted my life living in a country ruled by such "wise" men.
Do you build another five more stories on top of a five floor building built on a base which was intended to support five? without further strengthening / reconstructing or making the slight adjustments to its base/structure?
reason: imbalance of demand and supply in that building.
I don't know; i aint an engineer, maybe ah seong can help me out.

Just to sprinkle another pinch of salt onto this open wound,yesterday, i was just trying to convince one my friends so as to not to go to S'pore to service. Now, I felt like a dumbasss. Yeah, a total dumbass.

With the pay that we had, so as to medical professionals in other developing country
( didn't malaysia herself claim that she is a developing country, and not a 3rd world country? so make your judgment and comparison accordingly. Do you compare a 3 year old to a 13 year old? no, you don't) ,
and the workload that we have ; plus the statement : "the labour law does not apply to you, so `cuti itu bukan hak anda' anda tidak ada had limit jam bekerja"
( which makes it seem reasonable that we work like 30 + hours straight yet expected to perform at top notch? ),
so, who are we? labor? i guess not; from the statement above which clearly hitting our eardrums on the day even before we start working. logically, also not, cos maids or foreign workers are entitled to holidays and there is a limitation of hours of which they need to work. Otherwise, the employer can be sued for abuse.
Nah, our employer can't be sued. and the labor law also does not apply to us, so we ain't labors
erm... some robot i think?
opps, maybe not, malaysia still can't make robots yet.
They're still trying to make good cars and selling them at half price for arabians. Did i say good? sorry again. way far behind from good i think. now, remind me again, who's thinking of profits??? Doctors? hmm... maybe they're right. Maybe they shouldn't. Doctors need not eat or pay bills cos the government have nice chilly floors for the stupid doctors to sleep on with a layer of blanket on top it. maybe they don't even need a floor, cos they'll just have to work 24/7 , then they need not buy a house Eat? need not! just work. so why think of profits? just work!


I've read a letter from a smart reader of the star who wrote to the editor to tell us that people don't die of exhaustion, so, be grateful and, doctors should work and don't complain.

oh yeah, that fella also wrote: from the pictures that these doctors put on their social networking of their traveling and them being active in such networking, that means they are actually free and should instead spend more time in their work and complain less.

oh, I am so grateful to work; oh , i am so grateful that the nice government has extended our service. i should not have traveled with my 30 days of break out of 365/366 working days. I should be working 365 out of 365 days. Oh, i need to be more grateful. I should not have a facebook/blog. I should not get online. I should just work, and work.Why? you may ask. The logic?
here: right now, after i finished work, newspaper would be all sold out, i could only resort to reading papers online. so, if i just work and work, i won't online and won't read the news thus won't complain so much; cos i won't know what's going on! logical right? these people are really smart aren't they?they are.

sorry guys if i offended any of you. I don't mean to brag with the pay that I have and i do know that getting a job is difficult these days. but i'm just trying to make my point and you drop your words as you may wish to.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

passion & work . DO they co-exist to most (or any) of us?

how my life , or shall i say my working life has been for the past one week or so?

Pretty much I would say;
Out of no where, doing my oncall, i had the opportunity to assist in an insertion of an internal cardiac pacemaker for a 3rd degree heart block patient. Not to be boastful, just I noticed how coincidental things can be. She happened to be the patient whom i clerked during my on call the other day. Getting the opportunity to observe the so called "once in a blue moon " procedure ( in Hospital Teluk Intan at least, I've no idea bout the other hospital)would actually be enough for me. Having the opportunity to assist (although i was only just dabbing and holding the head) was certainly a bonus. It has been a known fact I aint no one passionate ; but am I? i was actually kinda excited about it.

Patient collapsing, death knocking at the door has became so common,that I've lost count.

That one day, one patient collapsed in the early morning and another in the noon. Nurses were talking about who's the third one cos they said " they come in three". Later of the day, a man in his twenties passed away. Intubation and CPR. Emergency trolley and drugs. Masks and gloves. bloods. drips. paper works. It became so routine. I have doubts.

Another man collapsed today. I clerked him, presented the case to MO, practically almost handling the patient on my own.but through he didn't make it and left.
Drugs were given. Waiting for the cardiac monitor to show asytole.
Son was crying. The son who takes care of the father. Who rarely cared. Fed him, talk to him and takes him to shower every morning
Nurse walked in.
" dah ke belum"
" kalau sudah, nak call mortuary , banyak lagi kerja nak buat"
"please wait"

" leceh lah"
" report belum siap"
" lama lagi ke?"
Son was crying
I ignored the lady in white. Feel punching her in the face rather than just slapping her.

To me, she is ******* inhumane. ( insert whatever word you wish t in the * part)
Maybe I do not have a 100% passion in my work, and I complained/ complains a lot. But I think i do care. To those who treat patients as just paperwork and just just wanna finish and passover and bugging people for incident reports when there are so much more important stuff to do; you gain no respect for me.
I hope i care. I hope I would not take things for granted.

To those who left, may you have peace.

Thursday, January 14, 2010